If only I knew what I was signing up for. Did anyone warn me that I would have a little Houdini can take off any item of clothing in two seconds flat? Click on this picture to supersize it and then look carefully under the zipper. I had to add hook and eyes to all of her pajamas to keep her in them. She still figured out a way to shimmy her little arm out! Can you believe the mischievous look on her face? One of many things I was unprepared for. If only I had read this first. (I know it is long, but indulge me, it is well worth the laughs I promise you will have.)
Thinking of Having Kids?
Do This 10 Step Program First
Lesson 1
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline
2. Lack of patience
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels
4. Allowing their children to run wild
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.
Lesson 2
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approx. 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down gently, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at midnight and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am.
4. Set alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45.
7. Get up at 3am when alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4am.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive.)
Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.
Lesson 3
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
Lesson 4
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus in the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
Time allowed for this- all morning.
Lesson 5
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle Cheerios all over the floor, them smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Lesson 6
Go to the grocery store. Take the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
Lesson 7
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
You are now ready to feed a 9 month-old baby.
Lesson 8
Learn the names of every character from all shows on PBS, the Disney Channel and Noggin. Watch nothing else on TV but shows from these channels for at least 5 years. (I know, you're thinking "what is Noggin?") Exactly the point.
Lesson 9
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Lesson 10
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from lesson 9 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
it's so TRUUUUUUUUUEEEEE!
ReplyDeletemakes me tired just reading it...let alone living it for the last 14 years!!!
i need a nap.
OMG!
ReplyDeleteu just made my day!
very very true and I have only been sleep deprived for 18 months.
hahaha....this is hilarious!!!!
ReplyDeleteI was laughing so hard at that post that my son came out quiet time to check on ME! Love the goat analogy, and the chicken behind the tv!
ReplyDeleteSOOOO true!! lol, I love this post!
ReplyDeleteHilarious and oh so true!
ReplyDeleteLove the goat analogy. Have you been videotaping me in SuperTarget?
I absolutely love this! Especially taking goats to the grocery store and trying to have a converstaion with another adult-All so true! I was laughing so hard my husband made me read some out loud to him!
ReplyDeleteOMG I'm laughing so hard I'm crying and practically hyperventilating. Not a parent yet, but I've been a nanny, so I've experienced some of those things. But I still know I'm in for it one day.
ReplyDeleteI am laughing so hard there are TEARS in my eyes! The swinging-melon-Cherrios one is my favorite. So hilarious :)
ReplyDeleteLMBO!! SOOOOO true!!
ReplyDeleteTo everyone thinking of having a house full of kids. Please realize that at some point, you will have a house full of TEENAGERS!
ReplyDeleteThis is so funny and so true. I can relate to all. It sounds like my house right now!
ReplyDeleteI am absolutely DYING with laughter! Too funny!
ReplyDeletehysterical!!!
ReplyDeleteHurrah! Hurrah! I agree with absolutely everything!
ReplyDeleteyou have got to publish this and pass it out to perspective parents. this is fantastic. so true! in fact, i was just looking at my mini-van the other day thinking it looked like freddy krueger ran his blades done the side, and wondering where all of the spongebob stickers on the insides of the back windows came from. quite frankly, i think it's really classy...
ReplyDeleteThis is so funny! I had to pass it on to my MOPS group. I love it! Thanks for the laugh~
ReplyDeleteI really wish I would have read this 29 months ago...
ReplyDeleteSo funny! So true!
ReplyDeleteLaughing my head off!!! I sent it to my pregnant niece.
ReplyDeleteAin't this the truth?
ReplyDeleteYou're a little late... number three is on its way! :)
hahahaha!
HAHAHAHAHAHA, this is great!
ReplyDeleteSo hilarious!! Too bad it is completely true. My husband and I had a conversation while we were attempting to get 3 boys into bed about how much harder it is to have kids than we would have EVER anticipated. We don't wish we didn't have them, it is just 10 time harder then you could ever imagine. Thanks for the smile tonight!
ReplyDeleteThis is so true, and Halerious, We have had 3 kids in 4 1/2 YEars. Oldest 3 and the youngest 6 wks. Im tired to and i need a nap!
ReplyDeleteI've seen this before and it is so true and funny!
ReplyDeleteoh my word.
ReplyDeletei'm cured.
the six year plan just turned into the twelve year plan :)
just kidding, but i know it is SO true! that's really one of the reasons that we're waiting so long it because your life is DRASTICALLY changed.
Love it! I can so relate..I have four kids under the age of seven. I love the part about taking a goat(s) to the grocery store...very true!
ReplyDeleteI go back and forth about whether I want to have kids or not. I do love little ones, and I think I'd be a great mom. But I'm a little frightened by how many parents have told me that "once you have kids, your life as you know it is OVER!" I kinda like life as I know it, and it's a little intimidating when I hear that. Do you find that statement to be true?
ReplyDeleteI LOVE the post---PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE can I borrow your 10 step program?-- I promise to link it back to you!!!
ReplyDeleteI can relate. 5 grandkids 5 years old and under live with me. Yesterday I gave them chalk to draw on the sidewalk...they drew on the house, the fence, the porch and my car! Last night I was up for two hours with my 5 year old granddaughter because she had a nightmare that Nana and Papa were monsters. Thank you Halloween cartoons. Today I feel like a walking zombie.
ReplyDeleteLove it! :)
ReplyDeleteI love this! I just linked it up on my facebook...my friends have to read that!
ReplyDeletebwah ha ha haha!!!!
ReplyDeleteLOL!!!! This is way too funny!
ReplyDeleteHilarious...I love how funny parenthood is (once you are in it) and it is a great bonding tool too!
ReplyDeleteThis is one of the funniest things I have ever read!!! Especially the goat at the grocery store. CLASSIC!
ReplyDeleteI am having one of those days....and I really needed to read this. I am somewhere between laughing my a$$ off and crying in my coffee!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for that and I think I will print it and stick it on the fridge!!
By the way my houdini is now taking the jammies off and the diaper as well. I guess she is decided that they were uncomfortable or cramping her style
Love it!!!! Wait til she's a teenager you will have a whole new list!! (especially lesson one , everyone seems to know how to raise a teenager that doesn't have one)
ReplyDeleteIt's late, I'm tired, my husband has been gone for 5 days straight, my 6 and 3 year old are sleeping in my bed, now don't judge me ;) and my 3 month old new puppy is FINALLY sleeping in the kitchen, don't ask. And by far this post made my night. Thank you so very much. Now I must rest! I love your blog by the way, it's truly refreshing.
ReplyDeleteI just came across your blog and I think this is the funniest thing I have read in awhile! I am a mom of a 4 and 2 year old and this is my life exactly! Although, I'm pretty sure I would have had an easier time at the grocery store today with two full grown goats! Seriously! I think I've found a new favorite blog! Love it! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing! And the gift goes on...
ReplyDeletemy husband and I are the directors of the nearly/newly married class at our church, so you know I just had to send this to all of them in an email...:)
This is hilarious...just what many of my days are like with 3 kids under the age of 5. Thank you!!
ReplyDeletethis is awesome! i was laughing so hard I could barely read them to my husband. we have a 6 month old and are getting a glimpse of what's coming!!
ReplyDeleteWow! Totally true and SO hilarious!
ReplyDeleteI couldn't read more than one line at a time I was laughing so hard I was crying!!! My husband stopped playing his video game just to see what I was reading! I love this!!
ReplyDeleteI posted this to my facebook b/c my girlfriends would love it!
ReplyDeleteAhh she's lovely and what a great post.
ReplyDeletebanksy canvas